This life has meaning…
This title is brought by Scott…confusing to me in the beginning of our writing…
Does it mean my life? My lifetime? Scott’s life?
All three he shares…
I give so much more time and thought…inner thought to Scott sometimes…writing about who he was, is now…and what all that means to me and for you…as the reader…
At times I focus on myself…actually I am forced to focus on myself…when I am not feeling well…emotionally or physically…
The death of someone we love…I love…pushed me to look for MORE answers and MORE answers and even more answers.
When Scott died…I became entangled in pain in so many way…like you I would think…
My head was spinning… or in a rage of confusion or in a sadness that could not be described as sadness…it was way beyond that word…
So much of my pain was internal…
Without answers…
Without understanding…by me…my family…friends…even ”experts”…
Internal pain. How do I even describe it?
Looking at me in the early days…other than looking exhausted and depleted…I had no outward signs of pain.
No cuts, no bruises, no broken bones…
I was still working… so I put on my lipstick, blush, and mascara… I looked “normal” in most ways…
But my insides were being racked by internal pain…
The agony of my child’s death…
Even through all the grief, the missing, and the torturous days…I was still trying to be responsible…with my health and taking care of basic needs…for myself, my husband, our home…my job…family…friendships…
But I could not control the headaches that brought me to tears with unending pain… Head pain that had started at least ten years before Scott died… So hard then…but unbearable with the grief…
Neurologists, visits to Cleveland Clinic, MRI’s, medication and more medication…even surgery for a deviated septum. I was so desperate…
And so why do you need to know this about me?
Because I imagine many of you are suffering with physical pain as well…
We need to be aware of this as the grief lives within us…
The internal pain creates so much within we cannot see…until…it shows itself…
And in a way…this death opens us up to vulnerability and giving up and not caring about our own life…and bodies…and our lives pay the price…
Within a month of Scott’s death… Jenny, a dear friend of mine shared with me about her own grief experience…
Her mother had died of cancer…six years after Jenny’s fifteen year old sister had drowned…
Oh noooo….
Jenny had never told me this…about her life and death experiences… but at this time…she knew I needed to hear this…
She told me her mother was never the same…so deep in grief with her daughter’s death…
…and there were so few resources or opportunities for her mother to get help back then…
Her mother died…of cancer…
Death teaches…
Oh my God…Jenny’s words that day scared me… Scared me…
I did not want cancer…even then…after Scott’s death.
I have read and heard so much since then…about how grief creates physical pain and illness…
And headaches…
I did pay attention to my health…knowing I was vulnerable to the stress and anger and pain and anxiety and all that stays within us…until we can see more, understand more…release some…of the grief.
For some unknown reasons…those migraines though…would not leave…
I continued with my counseling, got off all medications (that was hell), went to massage, acupuncture, the chiropractor, began meditation… l o o k i n g for relief and WHY’S!
The WHY eventually came through Scott…
He explains…
The pain Mom and others like you who struggle so with the physical and emotional pain that comes with grief…need to understand that you are all…more than your bodies… The deep internal part of you…is your spirit.
If that sounds too far out there for you…consider this… Your child…your loved one…in Heaven, with God, on the Other side…in Spirit…IS SPIRIT too.
You… We… are all Spirit…
We are linked by that spiritual connection forever…
And in that knowing…you can know that your body and its pain is insisting you LISTEN…
Because part of the journey through grief is to discover the love for yourself…through us…through pain…to give up, give in…reach out…to find more about yourself than you ever knew you were…or could do…
To take better care of yourself…
Because pain teaches too…
This is self love… It is to know that you came here…to this life to grow and experience… Some of you may be yelling at us right now…but consider this…
This day of knowing the real reason WHY you are here…on this earth…to learn and grow…even within the pain and grief comes with… Nothing is random…the love is never gone…that being our mom or dad, daughter or son, husband or wife…comes with the risk of death…and it did come to that day… But today we tell you…death did not separate us…
The LOVE we have for you…with you…is actually more MORE bold and beautiful than you can see…
Yes…OUR love continues…no matter what…
Trusting that your child or loved one IS watching over you…AND working with you on your grief…with your family…linking you up with others you know are helping you and offering you much needed friendship, insights, validation…and pushing you to take care of yourself…will show you more…
Show you more than you thought about life and death? About love? About pain? About yourself?
Yes…
We’ll explain more… Next Monday… Take good care of yourself until then… We’ll do our part too. xoxoxoxo
P.S. Mom’s headaches are gone…. She’s happy too… 🙂
Thanks for your posts. I cling to the belief that I still have a relationship with Richard my son who died 2 years ago at the age of 22. He has sent me many signs, and yet I insist on more, bigger, more spectacular validation from him. I guess nothing short of him walking through the front door will truly satisfy me. and yet I cling to each and every sign and wait with anticipation of the next one. and yet there is always this nagging thought: “Do I want this so bad that I am creating it?”
I understand Cheryl, your need to feel the connection with Richard. Trusting EVERY sign from Richard and knowing it is him is so important. Write them down so you will always have the details… I can assure you…that our children and loved ones connect with us when they know it is the perfect time. I could not ever have known how or why each sign or message came to me…I just embraced each one. We cannot make them happen or keep them from coming. Richard is connecting with you…and that is love… xox
Sara,
I just want to thank you for this beautiful heartfelt blog. As awful as it is, it comforts to know that someone else has felt the same questions and emotions . Everything you have written resonates deeply, and I wanted to let you know how meaningful you words are. Will you be at the conference in Portland in June?
Much love,
Nancy
Hi Nancy,
Thank you so much…It gives my grief journey much more meaning knowing I can help you…and others. What we go through IS awful…yet it pushes us to find some sort of guidance and answers…and each other. And yes…I will be in Portland at the Afterlife Awareness Conference. I’ll look for you. Lots of love…
Sara – I’ve been reading your posts each week but this one really resonated with me. My 21 year old son was killed in a car accident in June 2012. Since then I’ve been mostly numb and sad but it’s all felt very muted; but the past 2 months I’ve been dealing with a lot of generalized anxiety and had a few panic attacks. I think my body has just reached a point of too much stress from all the internal pain I’ve been carrying around. As you say, from the outside I look as if I’m doing okay. I work, take care of my daughter, exercise, do all the things that need done to keep a family life in order. But inside I’m broken. There’s no joy anymore and I can’t even begin to describe how much I miss my son, how devastating this has been to me. I feel it’s too big for words. And maybe that’s why all the pain has accumulated inside – because I don’t know how to even begin to address it. It feels like there’s not the right words to express how I feel. So I admire your ability to get your feelings out through your words. Thank you for being brave/strong enough to share your thoughts and feelings. -Susan
Susan…I can relate to all you have written too. There were no words for me in those early years either. I worked hard to try and understand Scott’s death…or to even grasp the reality of it. It is a process of searching and trying to find ANYTHING that can bring you moments of understanding. I’m sure all of us have to do that. But it is hard…hard…hard. One of my favorite quotes…and I had cards printed up in memory of Scott with these words on them, helped me hold Scott closely and teach others how I was feeling. I still carry one of those cards with me.
“Life will not go on in the same way without him. If it were the same, we could conclude his life meant nothing, made no contribution. The fact that he left behind a place that cannot be filled is a high tribute to the uniqueness of his soul.” Author unknown.
These words carried me for a long time. Maybe they can help you too…
Knowing we do accumulate all the many, many emotions within…look for ways to release some of those. I KNOW our children and loved ones are pushing us to find that which works for us… And trust you are not doing this alone… Thank you for posting your comment Susan. xoxo
Yes, it all does resonate so deeply …
It’s all so deep Bren. And so important to go there. The grief journey is demanding and requires our deep attention. It is so hard…yet the new knowing we gain shows it was what we needed. xox