Scott’s death anniversary… May 20… Twenty years…

When the news came that Scott had…d i e d…there was no way to contain or restrain or hold my emotions from screaming out of me. My pain was unleashed…I was unleashed

How then can I be here today…today…and know it has been twenty years since Scott died…left?

It seems impossible it could be so many years…until it is here…

I look back…now with Scott.

We have written about our love and Mom’s pain…and the ways she had to learn to live without me… It is a path of love and pain and learning and desperation…and growing and seeing MORE…. The bigger picture…of WHY we are living this life…and all it brings us.

Mom has shared some of her life with you in our blog…and in that sharing shown her own complicated pain filled grief journey… and the surprisingly beautiful moments too…

Some of you may wonder…and she has too…WHY after twenty years am I still writing about Scott’s death?

Because she has learned so much…and to not share does not help anyone… She needs to share…

Mom has seen over these twenty years that all her pain, all the counseling, the twenty death days she survived…and the thousands of other days…did not come with a guide book… No How To’s on this journey…

But…

Death… It teaches…

From May 20, 1994 to May 20, 2014 Mom/Sara has been learning…about death…and life..and everything in between.

It has been exhausting…as you know. It can drain the life right out of you for weeks, months, even years…

What do you do with your life within ALL that time?

Grieve

Struggle

Live

Love

…and do that all over again… and again and again…

We have written before about love and how that was the most important part of Mom’s journey…

Because her love for me…Scott…created her immense pain and missing…but also her greatest joys…and the drive to learn more and to help others…

Confusing…

So much love for Scott and what to do with it now…or for twenty years?

And so in these years since I left… Mom has had to find her way in life again…

She had to dig deeply into herself…and ask…

HOW can I do this? Is it for my family? Is it for me? IS IT FOR SCOTT?

All three… YES…all three…

In the most desperate of times…her heart pushed Mom/Sara to go in new directions… PUSHED her…

That has been Mom’s journey…as we have written about…

Grief and pain do not let one rest…there is movement in everyone… It’s another aspect of life…

Mom’s twenty year journey of grief and healing has brought this to her…and she has seen it in her friends who have journeyed along side her too…

Death teaches.

It is a mysterious part of life and yet it shows you… Love remains…

The love remains

Mom could not imagine her life without me…and wanted to leave as well…

What kept her here…and showed her a new life…was the love for me…Scott. It drove the purpose in her to make sure my life and who I was would have meaning…FOREVER…

The memorial scholarship she gave… The memorial garden at the high school that she labored at…labored at…even when it wasn’t her idea…because it was built to honor me…

The memorial bench in the Metro Park that so many have stopped to read the bronze plaque…for Scott Michael Jessie. “Forever loved…Forever missed…xoxoxo”.

Creating and then facilitating the parents support group for years… Spending hours and hours on the phone with newly bereaved parents as broken as she was too…and planning meaningful and hopeful meetings…for them…

Is this love? Most assuredly…

The Angel of Hope Children’s Memorial she founded and has led since 2001…Candle lightings on the coldest of cold nights in sleet, freezing rain, and snow in the cemetery…with her loyal committee bringing unconditional love and hope to the hundreds who come seeking solace at the holidays… Over 500 memorial bricks sold…She has done the paperwork for every one of them…

Writing a book with her counselor…as well as her dear friend from Chicago…both of whom taught her so much…about life and death…and then about spirituality. Their book…Surviving and Thriving: Grief Relief and Continuing Relationships.

Then to the national bereaved parents conferences as a workshop presenter…

Mom/Sara was pushed…and pulled…beaten up in ways you understand…to grow and reach out…to feel her fears…to go beyond what felt comfortable…

To honor me as Scott…and to honor this journey.

I need this experience to have meaning…she has said time and time again…

And to see more in this life…that felt like it ended on May 20, 1994.

On that day…she could not have known about the signs…the Kite Poem…the dreams…the messages from me… That our connection was not over

She could not have known of the new opportunities that would present themselves…the new friendships…the depth of her love…her desire to help others…her spiritual journey…

Death has taught Mom to not give up…and to know that the death of ONE child…one loved one…can change the lives of many others…

She needed it to be meaningful…

Twenty years…

It is.

xox
Scott and Sara…

more on Monday…

Showing 18 comments
  • Linda Recht
    Reply

    Thinking of you and Scott today with gratitude for the work you have done in the last 20 years. You have helped me understand so much about death and life. I am so blessed that you have come into my life. I love you and Scott so much.

  • Jeannine Lewis
    Reply

    Thinking of you today and how painful today is for you.

  • Nancy Carst
    Reply

    Thinking of you today, Sara. I appreciate the writing you have done with Scott to teach others about the grief journey. This has meant a lot.

  • Key
    Reply

    Sara,
    how grateful I am to have found your blog. So many times I have started to write on your page, but then deleted it… I’m not sure why…
    My 19yr old son, Christopher, died four years ago on Jan 10, 2010 and as I know you know, the pain at times has been almost unbearable… Three years ago, a medium told me, that in this lifetime, Christopher is my teacher… and hence I have been working so very hard to get through the “dark tunnel of grief”, so that I can “see” and “hear” and learn and grow… Perhaps one day, I will be able to “reconnect” with my precious son, as you have with your beautiful Scott…
    Thank you for your sharing…
    Sending you extra warmth and sweet light on this anniversary, Sara
    namaste’
    Key

    • Sara Ruble
      Reply

      Thank you Key, Linda, Jeannine, and Nancy… I so appreciate your heartfelt comments. I completely agree with your teacher telling you Key…that our children and all our loved ones are our teachers… We can’t always see that…but to be aware helps us to listen and see in new ways.
      And all the work we do to get out of the “dark tunnel” is growing us in so many important ways Key… Christopher is very much a part of all that work too… As are Dannielle and Barry, Jeannine and Linda. xoxoxo

  • Stephanie Maynard
    Reply

    Sara your strength and courage are astonishing. I am in awe of your ability to love and mother so fearlessly! Thank you for sharing your story and Scott! Sending you love on this day which must come with so much emotion. I love you dear friend!! Stephanie

  • Carol Lewis
    Reply

    Thought of you this morning as I was getting my day started, knowing it was the anniversary of Scott’s passing from life here on earth to life eternal. As I watched and listened on Sunday, I was filled with pride knowing that I have has the honor of being your friend for nearly sixty years! You have touched SO many people with your wisdom, strength, courage and kindness. Bravo, dear friend for a job WELL done.

    • Sara Ruble
      Reply

      Dear Carol…Thank you for your love and caring and for bringing that love to Joe the other day at the Angel of Hope. I so appreciate you. Such a dear friend you have always, always been. xoxo

  • Kathy Gautsch
    Reply

    Dearest Sara, I’m thinking of you and Scott today as I have for many, many years on this day. You have worked so hard at your journey and now you are so freely sharing your story, your pain, your triumphs, your love. You have touched so many people – you will never know how many. Sending you lots of love and hugs – today and always. Kathy

    • Sara Ruble
      Reply

      Oh dear Kathy…Thank you. This journey would not have been the same without you, your love, guidance and more… Sharing our pain and seeing our way to healing has given me many insights to share with others… I know love brought us together… That love is Brian, Scott and John! Thank you.

  • Sheryl Saz
    Reply

    Thinking of you today Sara. Scott is a beautiful boy and he teaches us all so much. You give me hope. I am two years down the track and can’t imagine still doing this in another 18 years but…. <3 Thank you again for helping so many of us. <3

    • Sara Ruble
      Reply

      Thank you Sheryl… Don’t give up on love and the knowing that this work will push you to the NEW. Just by reading our blog shows you are working and searching for what can bring you more… I had to find my way through all the grief by trusting in others journeys and having the hope that what I needed would come. I know that will happen for you too… Trust love. xox

  • Carolina
    Reply

    Sara, my thoughts are with you this day. May the love you have for Scott continue to empower and provide you with great strength. May your courage continue to help guide the pathway for those of us who are still trying to find the light in the pain of missing a loved one. Scott and you are heaven sent. Prayers being sent your way.

    • Sara Ruble
      Reply

      Carolina…thank you for your beautiful words. My heart goes out to all of you struggling so with your grief. I know that pain too… Scott and I share so openly about our journey because HE knows what words need to be read by you and others who read our blog. I trust that if I was able to see the “light” you speak of…it is there for you too. Trust what you need will come. xox

  • Leslie Boucher
    Reply

    Sara-

    Thinking of you today and sending prayers to you and Scott. Thank you for sharing your journey. Your strength and hope to continue on – shows others to have strength and hope when days are dark. Your work and your blog have touched so many. God bless…Leslie

  • Debra
    Reply

    Sara,
    Thinking and praying for you as you honor the loss of your son Scott today and every day. Thank you for reaching out to all of us. This is such a difficult journey. Sending you hugs, prayers and love… Be gentle to yourself, Deb

    • Sara Ruble
      Reply

      Leslie and Debra…thank you for sending your love to me. As I wrote in the blog…I feel the need to share my grief experiences as well as what I have learned…to help others know they are not crazy or will never find their way. There is hope. I so appreciate your kind words. xox

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