The day after Mother’s Day…
When I was newly bereaved and for years beyond…I was so afraid of Mother’s Day and what it would bring me emotionally…and physically too.
Could I have known that others…like many of you…feel this way too?
So silent at times in our pain and grief that we pull back into ourselves and try to shield ourselves from the knowing… That this once most beautiful and meaningful day could become the day of …everything it becomes for each of us…
Truthfully…I cannot remember many of the last nineteen Mother’s Days…since Scott died.
They begin to blur…what I did and where was I and how I felt…
No…I KNOW how I felt. The anticipation…the dread…the missing…the unbalance of my not having a child at all…and the rest of the country or world celebrating motherhood…
And yet…deep down I could never forget this day had been a gift…of love for me…as a mom…to feel honored…and to know that as Hallmark a day as it may seem…there was something incredibly special about Mother’s Day.
As a daughter I always wanted my mom to know how much I loved her and appreciated her love and caring… I tried to make sure she always knew that…and especially on Mother’s Day…
Could I ever have known how the days would pass and then the years…and I could now look back on Mother’s Day….with a deeper knowing of what it has truly shown me?
In the beginning and for the years that followed…I was able to see that this day was a trigger for my pain.
I had to adjust somehow…because the world was not where I was…and they were mostly moving on…
My grief experiences taught me that…it had to become more my work…than their’s…
I had to forgive those who did not send me a card…or didn’t call me…
Because as I had to know from my own experiences… I had not done that for a friend whose child had died years before Scott… And now I so regretted my lack of reaching out to her…
I would forgive…
I also became so grateful for cards and messages that were sent to me that I sent a note to those who had…Thanking them for their love and compassion and for…remembering… They needed to know how much it meant to me…
…And perhaps they would know how to help another friend with their loss…
I have not always seen myself as clearly as I can now…and that is why I want to share this with you…
There are no perfect answers for this kind of day…we all have to find our way…as challenging as that is…
A big one for me… I had to lessen my expectations… I HAD to…
Otherwise I was making myself crazy…crazier…
MY expectations said to me…
I need support…from…all of you… I NEED IT…
And when that didn’t happen… The pain, the disappointment…the anger…came over me…or more strongly… literally consumed me…
What I could not have known then…but I know now…
I had set myself up…for even GREATER PAIN…
And so I learned… Yes…the hard way…
I was disappointed like many of you have been… but the lessening of my pain came from knowing it wasn’t always going to be the way I wanted or needed it…or saw it.
Others cannot always fill our needs as we see them…
I learned they were unaware, unknowing…afraid of doing the wrong thing, or even forgot…
It happens to most of us…
I did things that I could do… I wrote Scott a note…thanking him for making me a mom…for his darling homemade Mother’s Day cards… The card with xox’s ALL over it… his little love notes from when he was ever so expressive…and more…
It really is about Scott and me…
And I must tell you…
I had Mother’s Day with Scott for nineteen years…and many mom’s have not had that many…or any…
Oh my…I am so grateful…for nineteen…
And another important lesson for me…
Was the knowing that the love I have for Scott is forever… And no one can take that away… It lives in my heart… We experienced it together… It is ours…
Small steps…many tears…many challenges… Mother’s Day has taught me so much…
Sending you love…this day after Mother’s Day. Don’t give up…on love…
I haven’t… Can’t…
More next Tuesday…
xox
I could have written this!! You are describing my thoughts to a “T”. My son has been gone 7 years. It doesn’t get easier for me no matter how grateful, positive, and thankful I am. I AM lucky, and blessed. I know that. I still have one son, although he lives in Spain and I’ve been without both boys on Mother’s Day for the past several years.
Thank you for writing this. It helps to know what I feel is normal. I strive every day to be a positive person and make my son proud. I know that’s what he’d want!!
Mary Beckley
Thank you Mary… Seeing more than we feel..and going deeper into the love can help the day…and our vision of this new kind of Mother’s Day. I’m happy for you that you are seeing this… xox
Sara- Thank you. For helping me see this whole Mother’s Day thing differently. Expectations are interesting aren’t they? It is all in our perception, we can make it what it is… to be sad and drown in our grief or to be grateful and know we were blessed and honored to have had the time we did. And know they are with us. In love.
In love and light-
Audrey
Yes, Audrey. Expectations in grief have to be experienced and then examined…in order for us to see what they can create. Mother’s Day, holidays, birthdays…they all trigger expectations… And then we can make changes. Your words are so helpful… xox
Everyone’s pain at this time of year is unique. I am so sorry for the loss of your Scott, but even though he is not here with you in the physical world, his spirit is with you always and you will always be his mom. While my son Scott is still living, his life and our family’s was forever changed by a severe traumatic brain injury that robbed him of his future plans and left him permanently disabled on many levels. I wrote a book about it called “A One-Percent Chance of Survival.” Hugs to you and much love!
Thank you Carol… I agree…and gratefully know Scott’s spirit is with me forever. New beliefs and seeing far beyond what I ever thought I could has been a major focus on my journey. We search until we find what can help us, don’t we? Your life and experiences with your Scott…so life changing for your family…have brought you to write a book on survival. That is so powerful… I wish you well.. Hugs to you too!
Dear Sara
Thank you for writing about Mothers Day. This is only my second one since my daughter, Danielle, passed away and at first I didn’t even know if I should call myself a mother or not…She was my only child…this year I realize I am still a mother but many people no longer wish me happy Mothers Day, including my Mom, I know people don’t know what to say but It hurts me….For a long time I knew Danielle was with me every day and now I am not getting signs for her and it scares me that I will no longer get the signs that I used to. Anyway I just wanted to thank you again.
Jeannine Lewis
I understand Jeannine… The second year, your second Mother’s Day is so hard. There are so many questions and so few answers. My son Scott did not let me know very often in the first few years and even beyond that he was with me… I, like most of us, was desperate to KNOW he was was still with me in some way.
I’ve since learned that the grief process is the hard task of learning and seeking out answers to help us. It IS hard work. I’ve discovered we cannot rely solely on their communication to bring us healing. Look for other sources…reading, new friends, support group, or maybe even a quote that can bring you some insight or something to hang onto… And trust that Danielle IS with you… Maybe that is why you are reading our blog. xox