Scott’s birthday…

March 20… March 20… March 20…

What has this day been for me since Scott died?

Mixed

I say mixed because I have celebrated his birthday every year with a cake and tears, cake and laughter, cake and sadness, cake…and I see now…he wanted me to have a cake… Cake and it will be forever like this.

Scott and I love chocolate cake… Always did. Chocolate cake with white butter cream icing…and as many flowers on it as possible.

That first birthday…I was so lost… What do I do? What do I do

Sadness… Beyond sadness…

Honor him…love him…celebrate him…

I’m so happy you were born…dearest, dearest Scott

So grateful…you are my child…

And now this…

Pain, sadness, memories…love.

So that first birthday…I ordered the cake…as I always had…

The day came…and the trip to the cemetery…with beautiful flowers…

Because…it is your birthday Scott…and the first day of spring…forever…

My love was ever so strong and ever so evident…

I would somehow do what I had planned…

The trip to the bakery…was not as I had planned…

I could hardly get out of the car… “I do not want to do this… I cannot do this… WHY did I order a cake? I am sick… I can’t do this…”

But somehow… I did…

It was for Scott…and yet there was no way to know if he would think this was the right thing to do… A cake? Really?

Yes…really…

As my husband Jay and I sat at our dining room table with everything set “…keep going Sara I said to myself…honor Scott…”

I lit the candle… One candle…and the words came to me…

This bright light is Scott’s spirit

And so…

A new tradition…a huge step for me…

I knew I would always have the cake with Scott…

His spirit exists

…Scott’s birthday cake for today will be as it was nineteen years ago …the icing adorned in spring flowers…with one tiny, yet bold candle in the middle of it…

Scott’s spirit… LOVE… A continuing relationship

And I want you to know…since the beginning…I have had many signs with those birthday cakes that have confirmed for me that yes…indeed…Scott was very aware…or even pushing me to have birthday cake…to celebrate his life…and our love…

Yes…my mom smiled that night through her tears…as she watched the bright flame and knew…I…Scott… made it burn far longer than any flame should on a tiny birthday candle.

It just kept burning…

Into the icing…and then into the cake…that candle just kept burning!

Spirit can do that

Celebrate your loved ones…on their birthday…or any day you need to…WE see it…WE know…

Our love never dies…

The mystery of love and death and everything is in the knowing WE never really left…

Trust…

There is a plan…

xox

Showing 10 comments
  • Linda Recht
    Reply

    Happy Birthday to Scott! You are blessed to have him as a son, and he is blessed to have you as a mom. May his spirit and your sprit shine on and inspire us. I love you both.

    • Sara Ruble
      Reply

      Linda…thank you for your loving words. WE know Barry and Scott shine brightly to…yes…inspire us!

  • Kathy Gautsch
    Reply

    Thinking of you and Scott today, dear friend and celebrating his life and the most precious day that you became Mom! What a gift you are to each other – and how blessed. Love you!

    • Sara Ruble
      Reply

      Kathy… Love always shows us the way… Just like Brian has for you and Scott for me. Thank you!

  • Wendy P
    Reply

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and Scott today, his 39th birthday. I’m hoping that your beautiful memories of your beloved son and his spirit bring you peace and comfort today. I lost my 20 year old daughter two years ago; she would have been 22 years of age on March 12th. It’s been a difficult two years to say the least and her birthdays have been especially hard. I look forward to your blogs as they give me inspiration to see that one day the trees will be green and the sky will be blue again. God Bless You . . .

    • Sara Ruble
      Reply

      Wendy…I’m so sorry about your daughter. We become seekers of what feels right for us and shows us we are not alone… I’m certain you will find your way… Thank you for following my journey… I hope it continues to help you. xox

  • Elizabeth S
    Reply

    Happy Birthday Scott!

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. We never know what to do on Brian’s (my husband’s) Mom’s Birthday, who we lost very suddenly, and unexpectedly 6 years ago this April. Her birthday is in May, on the same day as her son-in-law’s. You can tell he feels uncomforatable when we gather for his birthday because it was always “their” birthday, and they would celebrate it together, we all would celebrate their birthdays that day. Now I realize that we shouldn’t “leave her out”. We need to celebrate her too. Thank you so much again, this is so helpful for so many.

    • Sara Ruble
      Reply

      Dear Elizabeth… How perfect to bring your mother-in-law into the birthday celebration. Memories, stories, and even the laughter help us all to remember and continue that love connection.
      We love you…

  • Carla
    Reply

    And so…I am reminded of the phrase, “You can’t eat your cake and have it too,” meaning that you can’t have two things at once if one is gone. Oh really?! YES, we can. 🙂 In my imagined version of Sara’s story, “eating my cake” is symbolic of partaking of what nourishes me…and since I have consumed it then it becomes a part of me in some form. I “have it too”. Kind of like this continued relationship we have with our loved ones…they are never really gone because we’ve consumed their sweet love to live within us forever.

    • Sara Ruble
      Reply

      Oh my Carla…I love your interpretation of “eating your cake and having it too”! So often we stay in the literal meaning and miss the BIG message. Thank you for sharing that with me us…us. xox

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