Life Changing Days…
When the pain became so painful…
When my love for Scott became more painful than I could have ever imagined… I could never have been ready for the days that consumed me with grief and sorrow. …It was relentless and cruel.
The pain felt not only emotional…but truly…physical. The emptiness and fear, loneliness and aloneness…brought to me to a place of feeling completely…hollowed out.
Where was the reasoning and the knowing and the part of me that could see beyond?
Faith? What is that?
Gone… Gone… Gone.
Where was Scott? How did this all happen? Had I failed somewhere? What hadn’t I done to protect him …from death?
Scott died in his sleep.
In Colorado.
We live in Ohio.
He had been there for only five days…and was sick each of those days. I hadn’t known but for the last day.
We had no cell phones then…it was 1994.
He went to the doctor on the day he died…
He had strep throat…the doctor determined.
Scott had called me the night before from the dorm he was staying in…and his exact words to me, as I answered the phone were… “Mom, I am so sick I wish you were here.”
“Oh my God!” I screamed inside…
Nineteen year old boys do not say that…not this child… He wanted to be where he was…feeling independent and whole…
Was this the nightmare I had worried about before Scott left to drive to Colorado for the summer?
I thought we had taken care of all the concerns and fears we were struggling with!
Oh God…
His dad and I had encouraged this adventure Scott so wanted to experience…between his freshman and sophomore years at Miami University in Ohio. We wanted him to grow and “fly”…and see more of the world.
He wanted to go. He needed to go…for all the right reasons…
“I need my car…I’m driving out there.”
“So…OK, Scott…we’ll consent to your going, but you cannot drive out there alone. No way.”
I mean really…how can we ever really let these precious children out of our sights and feel totally comfortable?
We had to give him this opportunity…he had been chosen to intern at Curecanti National Park in Gunnison, Colorado. Scott was an environmentalist. He loved the outdoors and wanted to explore. He wanted to be there.
It seemed so safe and perfect…after all, it was a national park.
The adult park rangers and workers would be training him to work in the visitor’s center for the summer. He’d be staying in a dorm with other college kids. It would be so fun…such a grand experience.
His dad and I…now divorced…agreed he would drive to Colorado with Scott and then fly back to Ohio. It was the best way we knew to get him there…and feel at peace with this new next step for parents of a beloved only child.
Gulp…
…We also knew something not everyone knew…Scott had had several seizures when he was in high school… Thankfully, they were now completely controlled by medication. The seizures had come suddenly from no where, and with no tangible reasons. He handled it all so amazingly well…
These were only other times in my life I had been beyond scared for Scott…and us. Yes…great fear surrounded those moments in the unknown…and yet…we had to be strong and go forth…for him.
And so…the next day…he drove himself to the doctor in Gunnison …twenty minutes from the national park…
He sounded so much better… And then I felt some relief…
Trust.
…it happens and we go forward.
Trust came to me that day…it was a Friday. I trusted the adults training Scott in the park…
They knew he was sick…and that he had gone to the doctor. They gave him the doctor’s name…
I trusted.
It was Friday, May 20, 1994.
Thank you for your writings. As I read I feel my heart breaks open yet again. Yet this time I don’t feel so all alone in my own despair. Others like you lost their child. My son Paul was 19 when he died suddenly; that was less than 2 years ago. Regardless 1 1/2 year or 20 years the pain will always be just as intense, so it seems. The only difference is now I’m starting to be functional because life demands it. My son also always wore a baseball cap, he had an invention for sustainable free energy source. O the loss of such potential.
Hi Daria… My heart goes out to you. This journey is so filled with love and yet so much pain. Somehow I had to find balance. It took time and work…and everything I had some days. I understand where you are. I hope as you read my blogs you will find insights to help you, and to show you the love for your son is always there…always.
We seem to find ways to blame ourselves for the things that happen to our sons. My son, Jason died at age 17. The year was 1989. He died at the side of the road after a single car accident. So my blame was… I should have been with him, then maybe he would still be here. Or maybe then we would both be dead! He was enroute to participate and compete in the western Canadian Finals in Track and Field. He was an athlete. and outstanding in his school work. This is not an easy trail and our lives will never be quite the same because our sons were loved so much and a huge part of our lives. Helping others truly helps in some ways. Being busy helps a bit. But we will never really stop missing them because we shall continue to love them. I hear others speak about the death of their child and just wish I could hold them close and comfort them as if I were “mom.”
I wish my story was different but it is not. My daughter and the love of my life just passed away. She was my youngest and I was very close to her. We had an awesome relationship, even when she chose heroin to be more of a friend, we were still close. She took her own life June 3, 2015. She was very depressed and had gone inpatient many times, but the pull of the drug brought her back to depths of her despair. I forgot to mention, she was six months pregnant, it is a double whammy for me. I know that we choose our life before we are born, I know this to be fact having had an epiphany when I was four years old. What is left to chance is our free will as we journey through life. I am coping, some days better than others most days find me crying for her love and longing to hear her voice again. I just need to get through her memorial service in order to begin the rest of my journey without her near.
Dear Lorri, I am so sorry…and this is all so new for you. I know you are seeking answers and something that makes sense. That is all part of this journey we must take. I hope our blog can bring you some of those answers and let you know you not alone in your grief feelings and pain. Your epiphany at four years old is truly remarkable and I hope that will help you…knowing what Spirit brought you at such a young age. It all has meaning… xox
My sister loss her son, ny nephew almost two years ago in a hit and run accident.. He was an amazing 27 year old man. I see my sister struggle everyday and I feel helpless.
Thank you for sharing Scott’s story. My heart breaks for you and all the parents who have lost a child.
You are changing so many lives by sharing your loss. I am sure Scott is proud of you and the courage you have
I’m so sorry Michelle… Life changes in an instant and we are here to grasp the meaning of it, even when it seems impossible. I’ve learned from Scott’s leaving..that he really did not leave…and that has pushed me to see more. I’m sure you and your sister will find answers beyond what you can see as well, in time. Your love is evident…and beautiful. xox